I have been told time and time again throughout my life to keep my mouth shut about my own personal truth, be quiet, those things didn’t happen, be quiet, nobody cares, be quiet you are going to cause yourself some trouble my girl etc For a long, long time I was afraid to speak my truth, for a short while I spoke loud and clear about my truth on another blog (my fiction fantasy and horror writing blog bio page) what happened to me throughout my childhood, what happened to me as an adult, so that my readers could get a feel about how the writer became who she is.
My family found the page, my big brother told me that he could sue me for defamation of our mother unless I deleted those posts and I got scared, I deleted those posts, even though every word I put in those posts were true and backed up by child protection service reports as evidence if it ever got to court.
So for a while I got silenced again, this silence however, quietened my creative self, big time. Not only was I unable to share my factual past, but I also found it very hard to write fiction and for some reason or another resulted in me giving up fiction writing to become more poetic and more of a painter/artist. So the forced introversion and silence, recreated me in me sharing my past visually, through my paintings.
I didn’t realise the symbolic significance of this reaction until just a few weeks ago and after nearly a decade of soul searching and finding the true me stuff. I know it sounds daft, as I am nearly 36yrs old, but I have been trying to learn how to think outside the box, how to find the true me, find out whether or not I am living my truth and being who I wanted to be, or whether or not I was living someone else’s expectations of what I should be. Unsurprisingly I found out that I never knew myself at all, I was living someone else’s expectations of what I should be, reacting exactly how they wanted me to be, rather than how I wanted to be, but I was so brainwashed, like many people are and didn’t know it, that I lost myself as many people do and they don’t know it.
The motivational archive on YouTube.com are one of the main sources of me awakening to who I really am, as well as a bunch of other books and people I came across during my soul searching period.
I discovered there are some things in this world that makes me really happy and full of energy and life – that those things I deliberately ignored, hid under a carpet and even denied because I felt that people would find me strange, odd, old-fashioned, childish, irresponsible and insane to put it bluntly.
So I tried for a while to see what normal people do, what normal people expect a mid-thirties something mother to be like and do. When you have an auto-immune disorder and untreated post-traumatic stress and manic depression as well as having arthritis since your early twenties and you’re overweight, a lot of people look at you differently and in a very negative light. You’re fat you deserve to be ill, because you must be eating this and that etc., they don’t believe you are actually living a paleo diet and you have gluten and lactose intolerance so couldn’t eat it even if you wanted to, because hey, if you’re eating that amount of healthy food, shouldn’t you be thin and healthy?
You see, whether you would like to believe it or not, a lot of people are shallow and a lot of people reading this, will be very confused as to how someone who is 275 pounds doesn’t eat junk, in fact, can outshine them on healthy eating, can be so big and so ill. But you have to know me, in order to understand what’s and the how. Part of the abuse I had growing up, was my mother denied that I had lactose intolerance or any kind of intolerance, she was also not only someone who insisted on isolating me and scaring me about the world in a very abusive manner, home educating me to gain more control over me and my mind, but she was also an extreme feeder, she didn’t leave my life without a fight, I broke contact with her for my own sanity sake when I turned 31. By that time the damage to my health was done. Doctors claim that the social isolation I had when I was younger, the extreme OCD cleaning my mother had in her house, the fact I was over fed often forcibly the things I was allergic to, meant that my whole digestive system is pretty messed up and so is my immunity, my immunity is that of a new-born baby, doctors own words. He said, there is a chance my immunity can strengthen, but it will take years. The damage to my digestive system however, can’t be repaired.
Now, a lot of people used to tell me that it was my responsibility to leave her life as soon as I was of legal age but I was scared of her violence, I did in fact run away frequently, but she always found me and bought me back and I was too loyal to my family to call the police on them for it. So technically from the age of 18 onwards, I am to blame for a lot of stuff that went on, because I was a fully grown adult, who didn’t have to take that kind of life any more – but the fact is – I did and I regret it every single day of my life, that I didn’t get the head start in my life and career like everyone else had the chance to. But thankfully, due to positivity networks and things like this, I know I am never too old to start.
I can regret my past, but I should not regret my future, if I start making changes today and every day after this one, I am already taking the huge step to be 100% paleo since January 2018, to help repair my system a little bit and that has worked a little, still not happy with it, but it means I don’t get to be in bed as often as I used to, which to me, is fantastic!
Not only is this blog for all of you – to help improve you and make you happy, but it is also about my journey to me attaining my dreams and I will update you all frequently.
My aspirations will become actuations very soon. I am going to become an artist that has sold work, I am going to write about the things I am passionate about, I am going to do the things I am passionate about. I am going to do the things that I wanted to do when I was 9yrs old but was told I could never do – those things are the real me, when I was 9 I was more real than I was last month. I had more of an idea of what I wanted in my life because of my OWN thoughts when I was 9yrs old than I did when I was 30 – because the damage to my mental strength hadn’t been done too badly at that age.
Things nobody who knew me last year would know that I love and want to do…
I adore fashion
I adore art
I adore dogs
I adore talking to lots of people and getting to know them deeply
I adore sewing
I love making things
I am more willing to take risks than the average Joe, I am a thrill seeker!
I am hard working
I have an interest in learning about investments and the stock exchange
I have always wanted to make my own movies or have my own chat show
I have always had an interest in amateur dramatics
I have always wanted to own my own magazine company
I have always wanted to own my own business
I do want to write several novels as I have several ideas in my head
I do want to design clothes, wallpaper, greeting cards and other items
I want to take up carpentry (despite being scared of machinery and power tools)
I always wanted to run a marathon
I always wanted to walk down a red carpet, but never really sure why, I guess it has something to do with me loving the idea of being centre of attention at times
I love helping with fundraises and also campaigning for disability rights etc.
I want to be fluent in 5 languages before I am 80! French, Italian, sign language, Japanese and I haven’t decided which East European language yet, but I know the languages there are beautiful and I want to learn them!
As a teenager and even now, I have always wanted to be a life coach, a motivator, someone who gives prep talks etc., but I would like this to be like a one hour class a week, not a career, because ultimately I want to create things, art, movies, songs, stories
I always wanted to be a known composer, I have composed several pieces in my life already and I want to share the music to the world!
Yes these things are attainable, but because there are so many of them, I won’t focus on them all at once, I will choose one or two things to do with my life, focus on them, and then add little bits as time goes on. I might never achieve all of it, but I will try and achieve most of it.
I know I look like I lack focus and I know there are a lot of people who will tell me, my size, my illness, my age is against me, but I am not going to listen to that tripe. I am going to push forth and succeed in at least 4 of above, even if I am never going to be rich, at least I will be happy.